Messy Advice For People Who Care | Am I Failing If I Pull Back?

Description

Today's question: “I used to be someone people could count on, but lately, I just don't have it in me. Am I failing if I pull back?”

Your messy adviser, Johan, tackles this real (and slightly crispy) dilemma in a way only he can— with snack references, biblical throwbacks, and gentle reminders that hitting the wall doesn’t mean you’re not caring enough. Get ready for a short but meaningful conversation about what burnout really looks like, why boundaries matter, and how stepping back might actually honour your heart to serve. Perfect for those late-night Google searches about burnout—or anyone who secretly wishes for a nap and a rotisserie chicken.

• Transcript

  Johan Heinrichs [00:00:00]:

  This one's for anyone who's ever offered help, then immediately started rearranging someone's kitchen just to make it more functional. You weren't trying to judge their spice rack, but now you're holding it. Let's be honest, Helping sounds noble, but sometimes it's just low key micromanaging in a cardigan. If we're honest, the line between compassion and control gets blurry fast. Someone says they're having a hard time time and you offer to help. Great, noble, loving, but somehow, let me know what you need turns into prescheduled check ins, unsolicited resources, and mild anxiety when they don't follow through. You didn't mean to become their personal project manager, and yet here you are color coding their healing journey like it's a work retreat. This is messy advice for people who care, for those who try to lighten someone's load and accidentally take over the entire moving truck.

  Johan Heinrichs [00:00:56]:

  Hey. This is Johan on the edge of helpful here to talk about care, boundaries, and why it's okay that other people do things differently even if those things are wildly inefficient and spiritually questionable. Today's question gets into the heart of something a lot of us helpers struggle with. Let's get right into it. I want to help, but sometimes I wonder if I'm actually trying to take control. How do I know if I'm truly supporting someone or just making it about me? If you've ever confused being helpful with being in charge, you are very much not alone. According to a 2023 Abacus data survey, one in two Canadians say they feel pressure to fix situations rather than to simply offer support, especially among caregivers and faith based volunteers. Apparently, we're a nation of well intentioned problem solvers who sometimes forget that compassion doesn't always require a clipboard.

  Johan Heinrichs [00:01:57]:

  We're not trying to run anyone's life. We just want them to know that we have printed resources available. Helping can start as care and quietly drift into control. That line is thin. The heart is good. The result, debatable, and that's what we need to check. Helping someone doesn't mean becoming their life manager. And as much as I love Google documents and Google Sheets, you don't need to build one every time someone says, I'm struggling, unless they ask, then spreadsheet away.

  Johan Heinrichs [00:02:30]:

  Here's a scenario. A friend shares that they're having a rough week. You say, anything I can do? They hesitate. So you suggest five things. You follow-up two days later with, did you try that podcast I sent? Unless, of course, it's this one, then it probably would be helpful. But suddenly, the vibe shifts from support to subtle pressure. You wanted to help, but now it feels like you're managing their outcome. Let's take a look at what scripture has to say.

  Johan Heinrichs [00:03:01]:

  Let's get biblical. Biblical. The famous story in Luke 10, Mary and Martha. Jesus shows up at Mary and Martha's house, and immediately, that familiar dynamic kicks in. Mary drops everything, sits at Jesus's feet, and Martha kicks into hosting mode. She's chopping, tidying, reheating something that probably didn't need reheating. Martha is doing the right things, at least according to most of us raised on hospitality and casserole theology. But the longer Mary stays seated, the more agitated Martha becomes.

  Johan Heinrichs [00:03:37]:

  Eventually, she explodes, and not at Mary, but at Jesus. She says, lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do all the work for myself? Tell her to help me. You can practically hear the resentment simmering in her voice. She's not asking for support. She's demanding backup. And what's Jesus's response? Martha. Martha. You are worried and upset about many things.

  Johan Heinrichs [00:04:05]:

  Okay. I don't think this is a rebuke. I think it's a gentle naming of what's underneath the bustle. Jesus sees that Martha's care has tipped into control. Her helpfulness has become anxious managing. Her hospitality, though well intended, has become a performance of responsibility over relationship. And Mary, she's not lazy. She's just chosen to sit in the moment undistracted, present with Jesus.

  Johan Heinrichs [00:04:34]:

  This isn't a scolding of people who like to clean kitchens and organize schedules. Bless you. It's a reminder that sometimes our need to help can crowd out the people we're trying to care for, that we can do all the right things for Jesus and still miss being with him. Jesus isn't asking Martha to abandon her personality. He's inviting her to lay down her pressure. Not everything has to be held together. Sometimes the most spiritual thing you could do is sit down. So helpful doesn't have to mean hands on.

  Johan Heinrichs [00:05:09]:

  Sometimes the most faithful thing you can offer isn't a solution. It's space. Space for people to be where they are and who they are. Space for them to ask. Space to sit without fixing. Sometimes presence is the ministry. Silence is the support. Love doesn't need a manual.

  Johan Heinrichs [00:05:29]:

  So if you've been trying to help and it's starting to feel a little forced, maybe it's time you loosen your grip, not your love. And, hey, if you wanna join a conversation of like minded caregivers, join us on our Care Impact podcast group on Facebook. We'd love to hear where you're wrestling, where your help got a little too helpful. And until next time, keep loving, keep laughing, and if you've accidentally took over someone's healing process, maybe give it back now with love and a snack and always remember to stay curious.