Backstage Pass to Trauma Care | Grace, Grit, and Showing Up With Mel

Description

How do you keep showing up with compassion when you’re feeling stretched thin? Host Tim Smith and returning guest Mel, an experienced foster parent and CareImpact trauma care team member, dive into the everyday realities of caring for others. Mel shares lessons learned about trauma, why connection matters more than correction, and how true self-care isn’t selfish. Their honest conversation offers practical wisdom for anyone navigating challenging relationships and wanting to bring grace, empathy, and purpose to their community.

CareImpact Podcast Group: https://www.facebook.com/share/g/19rkPGbD7C/

• Transcript

  Tim Smith [00:00:00]:

  Welcome back to Journey with Care. This is part of our summer speedo series where we slow things down and make space for short, thoughtful conversations that meet you right where you are. Today's episode, again, is hosted by Tim who's part of our trauma care team here at Care Impact. If you've been journeying with us for a while, you've heard Tim's voice before, always steady, always curious. He's joined by Mel, a returning guest and longtime foster parent whose story continues to unfold with grace, grit, and honest reflection. Together, they talk about what it really means to show up with compassion in the day to day when you're tired, when you're learning, and when love asks more for you than what you've planned for. Let's listen in.

  Tim Smith [00:00:41]:

  Alright. Well, Mel, thank you so much for joining us today on the podcast. You're not a stranger to our audience. You've been here before, and you shared some stories. I wonder if today you could start just sharing something that brought you a spark of joy, in this past week.

  Mel [00:00:59]:

  Sure. Thanks for having me back. So we are in Ontario, and it has been, well, quite cold and rainy. And we finally just got some sunshine yesterday, so I am sitting on my porch. I call it the pink room, and this is my space. And, it's been really nice just to sit out here and listen to the sounds of summer coming, so that's been a highlight.

  Tim Smith [00:01:22]:

  So good. I can hear the birds in the background. It's beautiful. Maybe our listeners will be able to, on this episode. We are just taking a quick moment together to hear a story from you. Could you tell us a little bit about what you do and something about your day to day life?

  Mel [00:01:39]:

  So my husband, Chris, and I, we live here, in Ontario, just outside of Ottawa, and we have two teenage daughters. We are a home that opens up to, international students as well as foster children, and we have been doing that for almost twelve years. So we've had lots coming in and out. Teenagers, and and mostly two and under is the age that we foster with. So we've had 13 placements and, currently our home. We have nobody extra right now. And so we are just waiting to see, what's next and who's next and trusting God for that process. My husband is going to school right now to become a high school teacher, so that's been a new shift for us and new journey for us.

  Tim Smith [00:02:26]:

  Mel, that's so beautiful. What a legacy that you've already created over twelve years with so many in and out of your home, different ages and stages, and I can't imagine how much work that gives you and how much joy it gives you as well just to be part of the lives of many different people. You're part of our trauma care training team, so where we're going today in our conversation is not unique to you and I sharing on this. Can you share a little bit about your journey in understanding trauma? What first opened your eyes to going on on this learning journey that you've been on for some time now?

  Mel [00:02:58]:

  Sure. Probably about three years ago now, I attended two conferences. One was for foster and adoptive moms, and one was the Hope Conference that was, telecasted here in Ottawa. Both involved some training and some topics that were kind of new to me, and that really started to pique my interest. And so I had done a few trainings at the conference that I went to, just some little breakout sessions, and had been invited to go to this HOPE conference, which touched on TBRI training. Some of those things were just really new to me in how a way a different way to approach foster care, which was at the forefront of my mind. Although, as I continued to learn, I realized that it plays a role in all of our relationships with our own children, with people in the church, people that we come across in our day to day lives and how we can hold space and treat them. So that was a big piece for me.

  Mel [00:03:57]:

  And because we were in the middle of doing foster care, it really, really was helpful for me, really understanding the effects of trauma, generational trauma, understanding the kids that we have in our home, but also like their parents and their families and a lot of what they had lived through and been through. So it really shifted for me my approach, although maybe on the outside it didn't look too different. The inside was really God changing my heart and and opening my eyes to what was most likely going on and then how I can walk beside these kiddos in our home with more grace and more space.

  Tim Smith [00:04:40]:

  It's beautiful. As a trainer with our training team and having done the training, of course, is there something that's resonated with you from our material that has really practically helped you care well for those who are in your in your home or in your circles?

  Mel [00:05:00]:

  A lot of things. Definitely a lot have are popping up. But I think one of the biggest ones for me that really stands out and that, you know, I try and I try and do and even in my own teenage girls lives is connection before correction and just really taking time to understand the need behind the behavior. You know, something is upsetting somebody or, you know, if we have a toddler and all of a sudden they go from, you know, zero to 60 is not focusing on what happened, but working really hard on on making a connection with them. And, you know, some depending on the age of the kid in your home, sometimes you need to go back later and do a repair or talk through a situation. But nine times out of 10, it's just them needing some connection with you, and they just don't have the language to ask for it. So, you know, I'm thinking of a toddler that we had in our home and, you know, just all of a sudden, we've gone from playing to big explosive behavior. And I think before I would have tried to, like, fix it and, you know, gone around and, you know, try and maybe talk their way through it even though, you know, maybe they're not quite old enough.

  Mel [00:06:19]:

  And now I would just scoop them up and we would just go for a walk and I'd hold them and we would be able to deescalate in in way less time than than I would have maybe had before. So I think that's probably my my biggest takeaway in all of the trainings that I've been through in Saturn is just really making a point of that connection piece and how effective it is.

  Tim Smith [00:06:43]:

  It makes such a difference, doesn't it, to prioritize connection, yet it's so challenging to do. You know, in our training, we really focus on this idea of caring for yourself. Is there a way that you've seen the way that you carry yourself, connect with yourself, care for yourself, shift and change over these years of learning?

  Mel [00:07:04]:

  Yes. In our last eleven years of fostering and and just going through life, you know, in our own family, Definitely had probably had to learn the hard way of what it means to push pause or say no or not right now. Yeah. I definitely did learn that the hard way. And so it's been a journey for me of coming on the other side of learning what what self care actually looks like, what it actually means. I mean, we cover this in our training too, which has been very helpful and it looks so different too for other people. And, you know, some people need different things. I think something that's I'm learning recently is just honoring that it's okay if I need some time to push pause and say no and then come back.

  Mel [00:07:47]:

  And I did learn, like I said, the hard way of when I didn't do that, it came at a cost, not just in my own, but, you know, for the relationships around me. And so that was a big learning thing that I, you know, I mean, we have to learn the things to grow and change, and I think it's been more of a mind shift than anything. It's not necessarily one thing. Although, you know, there are different helpful, having a good support team. I've been blessed to find an amazing counselor and, you know, learning to go for walks and take some of those times. But I think it looks different for everybody. And and sometimes capacity wise, sometimes that shifts. Right? Like, when we have a little person in our home, it's it's gonna look a bit different than when I don't.

  Mel [00:08:35]:

  But knowing that it's important now and that and asking for help also has been a big learning thing for me too.

  Tim Smith [00:08:41]:

  Yeah. So many things can seem so urgent in places where we're caring for those who might be carrying trauma. And at the same time, we need to be our best selves. And so I love that encouragement to press pause.

  Mel [00:08:55]:

  Mhmm.

  Tim Smith [00:08:55]:

  If there was somebody listening who's been thinking about starting a learning journey or continuing a learning journey to understand trauma a little more and how to care well, what would you encourage them?

  Mel [00:09:06]:

  I think one thing is that although my lens is, you know, foster care, I think the lens is is so much bigger. And I and I think when I started this journey of learning, yes, I was looking at it through the foster care lens, but then realizing, okay, there are people in my lives, there are people in my church, there are people that you come across, and trauma has affected a lot of people in more ways than I think we, you know, realized even five years ago. And so for me, I I do feel very strongly that, you know, being trauma informed and understanding how this can play a role in people's lives and in realizing too, like, oh, their behavior is most likely because of something that happened to them, you know, thinking of adults. But, like, something happened in their lives that, has brought them to this point. And, well, first of all, to be able to hold space for that, have some more compassion, more empathy, more understanding, really does shift how we interact with everybody. So I think, although maybe sometimes we think, oh, it's mostly with children or, you know, children that have come into care or adoption, but I think, you know, we're really seeing this need for for a lot of people to understand and be informed, whether you're a teacher or, you know, a leader in a church, pastor working in the public, all those kinds of things. So I it's out there, and I think learning and understanding is really a way that we can dive in and be able to hold space for those that we want to love and want to extend an arm and a hand to because Jesus has asked us to.

  Tim Smith [00:10:58]:

  That's beautiful. Thank you. Yeah. Just your naming that there's so many of us carrying hard things. We need so many of us equipped with compassion and understanding. Thank you so much, Mel, for sharing your story, for sharing yourself, and this encouragement to our listeners. May you have a wonderful summer enjoying that, back porch.

  Mel [00:11:18]:

  Thank you. You too.

  Tim Smith [00:11:20]:

  Thank you for joining us on Journey with Care. To get more information on weekly episodes, upcoming opportunities, or to connect with our community, visit journeywithcare.ca, or find Care Impact on Facebook and Instagram, or just check the show notes for these links and all the links related to this episode. Share your thoughts, leave us a message, and be part of a network of individuals journeying in faith and purpose. Together, let's discover how we can make a meaningful impact.