Care Without Fixing | With Shannon and Johan
Description
How do you show up for someone you care about, knowing you can’t fix what hurts?
This kitchen table conversation wrestles with the urge to jump in and make things better—a reflex that can sometimes get in the way of real connection. Through honest stories and gentle reflection, Johan Heinrichs and Shannon Steeves wonder together if it’s possible that presence, not solutions, is what helps us become the kind of neighbours we long to be.
Takeaways
Caring does not always mean fixing, presence can be the most meaningful response.
The urge to fix often comes from discomfort with silence, pain, or lack of control.
Listening well helps people feel seen and valued, even when nothing is resolved.
Jesus’ response at Lazarus’ tomb shows that compassion can come before solutions.
Silence and shared grief are not failures of care, they are forms of love.
Being helpful is not the same as being present.
Not every problem is yours to solve, but every person deserves to be heard.
Practicing a pause can create space for deeper connection.
Care becomes healthier when it flows from identity, not the need to feel useful.
Ordinary presence can strengthen relationships and community more than advice.
Time Stamps
04:21 "Sharing God's Work Through Us"
06:41 Struggling with Networking Skills
11:36 Navigating Conflict in Relationships
13:32 "Balancing Support After Heartbreak"
19:12 "Identity Rooted in God's Truth"
20:34 "The Power of Compassionate Listening"
24:15 "Presence Over Fixing Struggles"
26:38 "Neighborly Care, Powerful Presence"
Some questions this episode may help you with:
How do you care for someone without trying to fix their problems?
Why does fixing people’s problems sometimes do more harm than good?
What does it look like to show presence instead of offering solutions?
Why does silence feel so uncomfortable when someone is hurting?
How did Jesus model presence instead of fixing in the story of Lazarus?
When someone shares pain, how do you know if they want advice or empathy?
Why do we equate being helpful with having answers?
Episode transcript Read the full transcript
Audio Note and Welcome
Johan Heinrichs: Hey, it’s Johan here. Just a quick note. As a podcast guy, as an editor, sound is really important to me. So I wanted to have a bit of a disclaimer on this one, that we recorded this whole interview with me using the wrong microphone.
Johan Heinrichs: I was speaking into my podcast mic.
Johan Heinrichs: But it was going into my camera mic.
Johan Heinrichs: So I used a little bit of magic to try to make it sound much better than it actually was, but still not up to my standards. But this was a great interview. We couldn’t delete it. We recorded the whole thing, and I hope you enjoy it.
Johan Heinrichs: Every one of us has a story about someone who showed up when it mattered most. I’m Johan, and this is Neighbourly, a podcast about the ordinary ways people show extraordinary care. Every other week, Shannon Steeves sits down with someone who’s lived that out, real stories of faith, kindness, and community in action. So grab your coffee and let’s join Shannon at the table.
Introducing the Conversation
Johan Heinrichs: Welcome to the Neighbourly Podcast. It’s Johan here, and I’m on with my cohort, Shannon. Hello, Shannon.
Shannon Steeves: Hey, everybody.
Johan Heinrichs: So we’re doing something a little bit different today. It’s going to be Shannon and I discussing one of the questions that we feel sits in the air in our episodes. Today’s question is going to be, how do you care without trying to fix everything?
Shannon Steeves: Yeah, this question, it resonates. It hits a little too close to home sometimes for me. And as uncomfortable as it can feel sometimes, I think it’s an important question to talk about, and I hope our listeners today can see that maybe in themselves and just walk away with some reflection from today.
Getting to Know Shannon
Johan Heinrichs: Awesome. Well, before we get into it, I think it’s great when our listeners get to know us just a little bit. You hear this voice, but who is this person behind the voice? They’re just asking questions. We don’t actually know who they are. So let’s start with a little bit of an icebreaker, just to give them a glimpse into who we are. And hey, if our listeners enjoy this, maybe we’ll do a few of these episodes once in a while, just behind the scenes, and we can discuss these questions further and dive in deeper into what it means to be a good neighbour.
Johan Heinrichs: So the question I had, Shannon, and feel free to take this conversation over because I don’t know if we actually decided that I’m leading this conversation, but before the icebreaker even, Shannon, how’s this podcast journey been going for you? I mean, you’re new to this. You kind of just jumped into it your first few episodes. Hey, I think you’re doing a great job with your interviews, but how do you feel it’s going?
Shannon Steeves: Well, thanks for the question and the encouragement because, yeah, you’re right. It has been totally brand new, not really something I ever would have planned to be doing. And so it’s great, of course, having a team with you and everyone else at Care Impact that is just encouraging and supportive, for sure.
Shannon Steeves: There’s a lot that has surprised me about doing the podcast. I think there’s just something about when you put a microphone in front of somebody that naturally can just feel weird for people. And learning how to have conversations that feel natural, but without letting some of the fear of, “Oh, this is being recorded and it’s going out into the world,” that’s been something, the challenge of that, I think, has surprised me a little bit.
Shannon Steeves: I think the conversations that we’re having are important and should be shared. And the people that I ask to come on, or that people on our team ask to come on, have so much meaningful wisdom and thoughts that are important to put out in the world. And I want people to feel as comfortable as possible. But I know sometimes you just have to jump into the deep end and go for it. So that’s been surprising, but a fun challenge and journey to be going on with this project for me.
Johan Heinrichs: I know it’s even challenging for some people that you want to interview to convince them to come on the podcast. I know that’s been my experience. Yeah, it’s really not that bad.
Shannon Steeves: It’s exactly.
Johan Heinrichs: Come on, let’s have a conversation.
Shannon Steeves: If you’re listening to this podcast and I have asked you, or you have a little nudge maybe from the Holy Spirit that you have something to share, can I just encourage you that you likely have something to share that other people need to hear. And I’ve probably said that before, but it’s something that I believe.
Shannon Steeves: I think God does work in our lives in and through us in order to glorify him and make his name known. And so the things that he uses us for, I don’t think that’s supposed to stop with us and just keep that to ourselves. And so it’s not prideful to come on and share the ways that you care about other people. It’s biblical, and I just want that to be an encouragement to people that this is a space to bring glory to God by sharing how he’s working in and through us.
Johan Heinrichs: And Shannon’s not so scary, so I hope not, if that’s your hesitation. Well, she’s like a kitty cat. So good.
Shannon Steeves: Oh, no, I don’t like cats.
Johan Heinrichs: Okay.
Shannon Steeves: I’m a dog. I’m a Labrador retriever.
Johan Heinrichs: There, we already learned something new about you. You don’t like cats.
Shannon Steeves: I don’t.
Johan Heinrichs: I’m a dog person. How about this question for an icebreaker? What’s something that you’ve learned about yourself this last year? We’re coming into New Year. Something that you learned about yourself last year that surprised you?
What We Learned About Ourselves
Shannon Steeves: Yeah, I sat with this question ahead of time for a long time, and I was like, man, I feel like there’s a lot that has surprised me this year. 2025 was a lot of growth and learning for me. And I think one of those big things is that I am not quite as adaptable as I thought I was, or as I want to be.
Shannon Steeves: I want to be someone who’s super go-with-the-flow and can kind of roll with anything. And I’ve learned that that doesn’t come as naturally to me. I think I like the consistency of things. And I think if I’m being honest, it’s probably me trying to maintain control and so learning to actually surrender that and let the Lord guide my life. So I’m working on it.
Shannon Steeves: But what about you, Johan? I’m curious for you. What’s something you’ve learned about yourself that surprised you this year?
Johan Heinrichs: I don’t like being bad at things. So I had to think about this one too. It doesn’t mean I’m not bad at things, I just don’t like being bad at things. But I’m realizing that I’m not a great networker, especially in person. When there’s a crowd that’s more than eight people, I kind of get lost a little bit. I don’t know if it’s introvertedness or what, but I’m not the kind of person that can just go up to a group and start chatting away and finding out about their lives.
Johan Heinrichs: But it’s great one on one. I love small groups. I could do that all day long. But yeah, realizing I’m not a great networker, which is difficult when you’re working with a charity and you’re trying to raise funds for your charity and support for your charity, right? You’ve got to be a good networker. So it’s something I’m working on.
Shannon Steeves: Yeah, it’s a skill. It’s a muscle to grow. And I’m with you. It’s not my favourite thing either. I find I just force myself in those situations, and it’s hard. But you’re doing great.
Johan Heinrichs: It’s weird. If someone asked me to speak in front of a crowd, I could do that too. And I can lead worship in front of a thousand people without any trouble, but ask me to have a conversation? Nope. Sorry.
Shannon Steeves: That’s okay. We have our strengths.
Why We Try to Fix Things
Johan Heinrichs: So, Shannon, do you want to get us back into our conversation, the question that we started this podcast out with, one we’re going to wrestle with today?
Shannon Steeves: Yeah. So today we are talking about how do we care for each other, care for community, but without trying to fix everything. So we are going to reflect on that a little bit. Johan, what thoughts come to mind for you with that question?
Johan Heinrichs: Well, this one’s hard for me. I don’t know if it’s inherently because I’m male. We tend to do this where we like to fix things, so we automatically go to problem-solving mode. How do we fix this problem? Especially in marriage, that’s the first example that comes up.
Johan Heinrichs: And I love researching. I optimize. I like to make things work more efficiently and better, so that’s always where my mind goes first. So this is one that I really struggle with. And I don’t like leaving things unresolved and in the air. That drives me bananas.
Shannon Steeves: Yeah.
Johan Heinrichs: What about you?
Shannon Steeves: I struggle with this too. And I think for me, it’s because fixing feels like it’s loving. It feels like I am doing something. And I really don’t like other people being in pain. It deeply unsettles me. And so my first instinct, if someone is going through something, it’s like, okay, how do I make this better? How do I help? How do I fix this?
Johan Heinrichs: Do you think sometimes, though, when people come to you expressing their challenge, what do you automatically think? Do you think they’re coming to you for advice, or is it for presence? Because I think it depends on the way we think. If people come to us with a problem, I think they want me to fix it for them. I don’t automatically go to presence, so I think it’s maybe just our default. I don’t know.
Shannon Steeves: Yeah, no, I think you’re spot on. I think people really want to be seen and heard, and that really is oftentimes what they’re looking for, they just need someone to listen. I think in all of our episodes so far, we’ve talked a lot about listening, and that comes up again and again. Just people wanting to be heard. Will someone listen to my story? Will someone listen to what I’m navigating? And so much happens in that space without even trying to solve it or fix what they’re going through.
Johan Heinrichs: And you’re right when you say fixing often feels like care. Because we want to help people, right? We want to build stronger community. And sometimes sitting with silence can feel awkward. That’s sometimes hard, just to listen. Especially for me, if it’s a situation that I know I have gifting in and can solve, that’s the hardest, to not jump in and say, “I could fix that for you.” But sometimes I just want to listen.
Johan Heinrichs: Can you think of any specific moments maybe where this was a situation in your life?
When Fixing Shows Up in Marriage and Family
Shannon Steeves: Oh yeah. And you mentioned this a little bit earlier, but I see it a lot in marriage. And I’m pretty young in my marriage, we just had around a year and a half of marriage. So definitely by no means do we have lots of experience or knowledge. But when two people come together, you see some of those different friction points.
Shannon Steeves: I was processing this with my husband before today, and this comes up a lot when we’re navigating conflict. So if we’re working through some type of challenge or whatever the issue is, I don’t like the feeling of tension and I don’t really like conflict to begin with. And so my instinct is like, okay, let’s just figure out what needs to be done. I’m going to apologize, and then I’m going to do this, this, and this and just come up with next steps.
Shannon Steeves: Whereas if he’s coming to me expressing something that I did that was unkind or whatever, oftentimes he wants me to listen and just wants me to be there, and not just jump to, okay, here’s what I’m going to do differently next time. We’ll get to that. But my instinct is to get to, okay, let’s problem-solve and get past this so that I don’t have to really sit in the uncomfortableness of the tension.
Johan Heinrichs: Are you more the fixer than your husband, would you say?
Shannon Steeves: I think we both have different tendencies where he will at times, but I think it tends to be my gut reaction first to go to fixing. Whereas I think for him, it’s more natural to pause. So I’m learning a lot from that.
Johan Heinrichs: Of course, he has pastoral experience, so he’s used to that pause, right?
Shannon Steeves: So yeah, he’s really good at listening and just sitting with people. And again, I want to be that way, but I just jump to what can I do first? What about you, Johan? How have you seen this show up in your life?
Johan Heinrichs: It’s hard for me to think of an example except for something that happened recently. I’m not going to mention who it was specifically, but a close younger family member just went through some heartbreak, and just trying to navigate that. It’s like I could give you a list of ways to help you move on and think about your future, but then you’ve got to balance, “I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry you need to sit with that grief for a while, but time’s probably going to heal the wound,” sort of thing.
Johan Heinrichs: It’s hard to really strike that balance, especially when it’s someone that you care about because you don’t want to see them go through the hurt and through the challenge and the uncomfortableness. You want to see them happy. So here’s a way to make you a little bit happier, when that often does the opposite, where they just need someone to listen. They need someone to love them. They need someone to sit with them with presence.
Jesus Wept Before He Acted
Shannon Steeves: Yeah, I think that is so relatable, Johan. And it really takes us into the Scripture that we want to dive into a little bit today. We’re going to hop into John chapter 11. This passage really just helps us to slow down. Do you want to read that, or would you like me to?
Johan Heinrichs: Sure, I’ll pull it out here. Yep. Verse 32. And this is the passage about Lazarus.
Johan Heinrichs: “When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell at his feet and said, ‘Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.’ When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled. ‘Where have you put him?’ he asked. And they told him, “Lord, come and see.” Then Jesus wept.
Johan Heinrichs: The people who were standing nearby said, “See how much he loved him.”
Johan Heinrichs: Okay, so here we are sitting with Mary, kind of complaining, “Jesus, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” Now, this is funny because earlier in the passage, I’m pretty sure Martha said the exact same thing. And they said it to him separately. So obviously they were discussing this together, complaining about Jesus, saying, “Why wasn’t he here? Our brother would have survived.” So this complaining in the background, behind the scenes, but then they’re bringing it right to Jesus.
Johan Heinrichs: And the funny thing is, Jesus knows how this story ends, right? He can solve the problem, and he’s going to. He’s not going to tell them he’s going to yet, but he still weeps. So he has a solution, he knows how it ends, and he still weeps. And he lets them wrestle with the question, and he lets them mourn and complain to him. So why does he do this? Why didn’t he just solve the problem and avoid the complaining and avoid the weeping and sitting with the feelings? Why do you think this, Shannon?
Shannon Steeves: Yeah, man, when I get to heaven, I’m going to ask him for sure. But man, I think we see that to Jesus what was important first was to see people and to acknowledge where they were at and meet them there. And we see that by his presence, that he didn’t jump to fixing. He got to that later. But what was more urgent than that was just being with his people and weeping.
Shannon Steeves: I think that teaches us a lot, that what’s important isn’t actually what we’re going to do to address the issue or the problem, but how we sit with people first and allow those feelings to come up and allow healing to come through just grieving together.
Johan Heinrichs: That’s so good, what you said. Basically, fixing wasn’t urgent to Jesus at that time, but presence was. And sitting with the pain and the struggles that they had and letting them air that out and just listening and grieving with them at the same time. He wasn’t just smiling, knowing that he had an answer, but he actually sat to grieve with them. He wept.
Shannon Steeves: Yeah, no, that’s so good. And I think the struggle in this for us as humans is that we don’t feel like presence is enough. We feel like just sitting and pausing for a moment doesn’t actually do anything.
Shannon Steeves: And I think this is, for me, where it really kind of gets to the core of why my first instinct is to do something, because consciously or subconsciously, I kind of want to be the hero. I want to be the one who helps someone go from sorrow to joy. And that’s not my place. That’s a space only Jesus can fill and a need that only he can meet. And so when we try to step into that, it’s just not the same.
Johan Heinrichs: I think it’s that need to feel useful, right? Because if you don’t have an answer, it’s like, well, I’m kind of inadequate for what you need right now. And that’s the thing. He says, “In your weakness, I am strong.” So it’s actually an opportunity for the Holy Spirit to move, at least space for him to move and get the glory, rather than us fixing it, but just sitting in that weakness. You know what? I don’t have answers, but I have presence, and I have the Holy Spirit as a presence within me. And if I could sit with you with that, maybe he can fill that gap.
Shannon Steeves: Right. That’s something that God has been speaking to me personally in a lot of areas of my life, is ultimately, where do I find my identity? Do I find my identity and my self-worth even in the things that I’m doing and the experience or feelings I’m helping create for other people? Or am I finding it solely in who God says I am as his child?
Shannon Steeves: And I think when our care and our compassion comes from that place, it goes much deeper than maybe coming from a place of insecurity really, of like, “Oh, I want to feel useful, I want to be the hero. Because if I’m not, then what am I?” And flipping that to say, “I am rested in my identity as a child of God, and I’m going to be here with you, and we’re going to seek him together, and we’re going to seek his will for your life.” Approaching it from that perspective is so much more valuable.
Johan Heinrichs: That’s so good. He says presence can make you a better neighbour. That’s quite profound.
When Presence Matters More Than Advice
Johan Heinrichs: Let’s go to the other side of things. What about a time when someone stayed with you without fixing, where they didn’t expect you to be the fixer? Can you think of any examples of that?
Shannon Steeves: Yeah, I think of some examples, but I really think about specific people in my life that I’ve noticed are really good at this. I have one friend that came to mind right away who, she’s also a trained therapist. And so I think some of that, she’s really honed in on her skills and her giftings. But I think she’s just naturally so good at asking questions that make people feel seen.
Shannon Steeves: There was a time a few months back where I was just sharing with her something I was going through, and she just responded with compassion and acknowledging what I was feeling and asking questions about just how that experience has been, and then pointing me to the Lord and just acknowledging, like, God is with you in that. And that made me feel so cared for.
Shannon Steeves: She might even be someone who probably would have some great wisdom and some great suggestions on how to navigate what I was going through, given her professional experience. But she didn’t. She just sat with me in that, and that was really, really meaningful. What about for you?
Johan Heinrichs: Yeah, similar for me, I have an older friend that I see at church pretty much every week, and we have a conversation pretty much every week. And it’s just him checking in, and I check in with him too, and he just sits there and listens.
Johan Heinrichs: I often have things come up in my life that I’m struggling with, situations that are challenging and stressful. And he doesn’t solve things, he just sits there and he wrestles with me. There’s empathy, but I feel heard, right? And that’s enough for me to go home feeling confident that I was heard. And I can wrestle with it with the Lord, knowing that there’s someone in my corner.
Shannon Steeves: And then also there’s those times where it was the opposite, where maybe someone gave advice that was painful to us or hard. And I was thinking about this where I think I actually have not had a lot of these experiences, thankfully. But I can think of moments where I did that, where I gave advice or just responded in a way that wasn’t presence.
Shannon Steeves: I remember a while back, I was probably a teenager, a young teenager, someone I love lost a family member. And my response, looking back, oh, I wish I could take those words back. And some of it, I know I was young, so there’s naivety there. But I responded with, “Well, you know, they were really sick for a long time and now they’re not,” type of thing.
Shannon Steeves: And it’s like, okay, that’s true. But basically how the person responded was like, “Well, okay, but just because they were sick doesn’t make it any easier that they’re gone now.” And that stuck with me for a long time. And I pray that I haven’t responded in any similar way since then. But really what that person needed was for me to just say, “Yeah, it’s really hard. And we’re in it together.”
Johan Heinrichs: Yeah. I think there’s a reason why Scripture says he mourns with those who mourn rather than he fixes those who mourn, right? There’s something to that where people just need that presence. They need someone to feel that empathy and sit with it, which is the example we just saw there in the Lazarus story.
Questions to Sit With
Johan Heinrichs: So I think we need our listeners to wrestle with this themselves rather than us coming up with answers. Because again, this isn’t about having answers. This is about shared wrestle, things that we as neighbours wrestle with.
Johan Heinrichs: So how do we care without fixing? That’s something I think we all need to wrestle with in our own circles, because we all have different personalities. We all have different responses to people’s struggles. But know that presence matters. We’ve got to ask ourselves, why does silence feel so uncomfortable to us? Or do we fix because we care, or because we need that control, which I know you mentioned earlier, is that need for control? And who taught us to feel that usefulness equals love rather than presence? So I don’t have answers to these questions, but we can sit with them.
Shannon Steeves: Yeah. And I think there are some practices that we can leave with listeners today that help us in navigating those questions. So a few things I’d love listeners to think about this week is notice when you feel the urge to fix. And I have an aunt that always says, “Practice the pause.” And I’m like, that’s great advice.
Shannon Steeves: So when you notice that urge, practice the pause and try presence. Just try being there. Whether it is quiet and you are just sitting with somebody, or you just give some encouraging words to say, “I’m here for you.” Things like, “That sounds really heavy,” or “I’m really glad you told me.” Those are some great language cues you can use to just be with somebody and allow the Holy Spirit to use you in that moment.
Shannon Steeves: You don’t have to have all the answers. You won’t have all the answers, and I promise you that. Especially when it’s some deep hurts that we’re not meant to come in and solve and fill the deep needs that people have. There’s only one who can do that. So just allow yourself to be there and be a friend.
Johan Heinrichs: That’s so good. This was an encouraging and provoking conversation for me, Shannon, and I hope it was for our listeners too. So listeners, if you found this encouraging, let us know. If you want us to have more of these conversations, that would be helpful, because feedback, we don’t want to fix this podcast, but we want to sit with you guys in presence and in a more meaningful way. So bye.
Closing
Johan Heinrichs: The stories we share here remind us that care doesn’t have to be perfect to be powerful, it just has to be present. Neighbourly is an initiative of CareImpact, a Canadian charity equipping churches, agencies, and communities with tech and training to care better together. Visit CareImpact.ca.
Johan Heinrichs: Or to find out more about the podcast, sponsorships, being a guest, or just dropping us a line, visit NeighbourlyPodcast.ca. We’d love to hear from you. Check the show notes for the link, or hop on our CareImpact Podcast group on Facebook to join our podcast community. I’m Johan. Thanks for listening, and keep being the kind of neighbour someone will never forget, in a good way.
Song Lyrics
Singer: Tearing down walls of building up the bridges between the stones. Love is turning over tables, breaking off chains. When I see you in a stranger, I’m no longer a stable table. Tearing out walls, building under bridges between us.
