I Thought Rest Was Betrayal | With Vanessa Parra
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I Thought Rest Was Betrayal
Migration, Survival Mode, and Holy Rest with Vanessa Parra
What if the drive to be resilient is really a lifelong survival mode — and rest feels more like betrayal than healing?
In this episode of Neighbourly, Shannon sits down with Vanessa Parra, a Latina migrant, writer, and member of CareImpact’s Trauma Care team in Montreal.
Vanessa shares her journey of migrating from Colombia to Canada and the unseen weight of beginning again. Even in a place known for safety, her body struggled to let its guard down. As she describes it, her brain felt on fire.
Around Shannon’s table, the conversation opens up about guilt, belonging, collective trauma, and the complicated relationship many migrants have with rest.
Because sometimes resilience isn’t strength. It’s survival.
And sometimes rest feels like betrayal.
In This Conversation
What migration feels like beneath the surface
Why “safety” can still feel unsafe
The difference between survival mode and resilience
Guilt woven into rest and productivity
Collective trauma in Latino communities
Why rest is not laziness, but holiness
Building safe spaces where migrants can pause and belong
The Heart of the Story
Vanessa grew up in Colombia surrounded by warmth and community. But moving to Canada as an adult required rebuilding everything — language, belonging, identity.
Migration is not only geographic. It is emotional.
Even surrounded by welcome, many migrants live in a constant state of alertness. There is pressure to succeed, to provide, to send money home, to keep going. In that environment, rest can feel selfish. Or even dangerous.
Through seasons of illness, isolation, and deep reflection in scripture, Vanessa began to see something different.
Rest is not weakness.
Rest is not laziness.
Rest is holy.
She now helps create “safe havens” in Montreal — spaces where Latino migrants can gather without pressure to perform, translate, or assimilate. Spaces for silence, story, food, grief, and celebration.
Because healing does not happen alone.
The Fireflies
Vanessa’s book, The Expansion of the Fireflies, was born during a difficult season.
Fireflies became a metaphor for restoration: small lights glowing in a dark forest. When you see them, it means the ecosystem is healing.
One person resting.
One person grieving honestly.
One person reconnecting with faith.
Small lights.
Growing together.
Why This Episode Matters
If you work with newcomers, serve in a church, lead volunteers, or simply want to be a more thoughtful neighbour, this conversation will help you:
Understand how migration impacts emotional safety
Recognize when resilience is really survival
Create space for silence and rest
Offer presence without pressure
Honour culture as part of God’s design
Belonging is not built through programs alone. It grows through presence.
A Simple Step
This week, make room for someone to rest.
Share a meal. Learn how to say hello in their language. Ask about their story. Listen without trying to fix.
Small acts of care can signal restoration.
Guest Links
Buy Vanessa’s Book, The Expansion of the Fireflies:
https://a.co/d/0aNK00i8
Produced and Sponsored By:
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Vanessa:
But when you're going through migration, it's totally different. Like, your brain is on fire. I don't know why. So I really need to build community, but my body doesn't feel safe.
Johan Heinrichs:
What if the thing you call resilience is actually survival? What if the guilt you feel for slowing down isn't humility, but something heavier. I'm Johan Heinrichs, producer of Neighborly Podcast. Today, Shannon sits down with Vanessa, a Latina migrant, writer, and member of the trauma care team here at Care Impact, now living in Montreal. Vanessa came to Canada looking for safety, but what she didn't expect was how long it would take to actually feel at rest. Even surrounded by welcome and opportunity, her mind felt on fire, always adjusting, always bracing. Out of that tension came a question that reshaped her faith: Is rest weakness, or is it holy? Vanessa now helps create spaces where migrants can pause, grieve, celebrate, and heal together. She calls them safe havens. And she carries a striking image with her: a dark forest filling with fireflies, small lights that signal restoration, an image which then turned into a book that she wrote.
Johan Heinrichs:
If you've ever struggled to slow down without feeling guilty, this conversation may feel closer than you expect. Let's join Shannon and Vanessa at the table.
Shannon Steeves:
Vanessa, hi. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. I can't wait to hear more about all the things that you're going to share. Some of the things I already know, but just for our listeners to hear and be inspired by the grassroots community building you're doing and just sharing your own story and all of those different things, just thank you for being here.
Vanessa:
Thank you, Shannon.
Shannon Steeves:
Yeah, of course. Well, we always start off with our signature icebreaker question: who is a neighbor growing up that you will never forget?
Vanessa:
Well, I won't pick just one person, but just the whole kids in my neighborhood. I grew up in Colombia, which many people know is not the safest place to be, but I was blessed to live in kind of like a gated apartment community. So I had the freedom of just going out, play with other kids, freely climbing trees, riding bikes, and I didn't understand back then, but now I can see how free I was and not being scared of being robbed or anything else. I was just kids going around playing by themselves.
Shannon Steeves:
That's so good. That's like just a picture of, of childhood and like how we want it to be for kids. I love that you didn't feel that sense of fear at all. You could just be free.
Vanessa:
Yeah, like being safe, even though it's not the most safest place to live.
Shannon Steeves:
Right, right. Yeah. Well, I'd love to hear more about just kind of your journey, I guess. Where does your story with community really begin?
Vanessa:
Well, there was definitely a lot of community in Colombia. Like, Latin people, we are a very warm and we value a lot of family and unity. But I would say my personal journey really began when I moved to Canada, going through migration. It's a very different experience for you to build a community when you already have an environment like an ecosystem, so that new community, it's part of your existing ecosystem. But when you're going through migration, it's totally different. Like, your brain is on fire. You don't really know why. It's not like, hey, let's meet new people and build a community.
Vanessa:
Part of what I already know is my brain is on fire, on survival mode. I don't know why. So I really need to build community, but my body doesn't feel safe.
Johan Heinrichs:
Wow.
Shannon Steeves:
Yeah. If you feel comfortable sharing, what led you to move to Canada from Colombia?
Vanessa:
Well, fun enough, it's about being safe because Colombia, it's not a, um, a safe place in many ways. Political, criminal, there's a lot of things going on, but you don't really understand what safe means in other levels. It's a challenging and yet beautiful experience. Like, I don't regret. That's something hard to explain about migration. It's like, if it is so hard, what, why don't you just come back? And it's like, no, because it's beautiful, complex, and gives you like a space for growing.
Shannon Steeves:
Yeah, multiple things can be true. It can be hard and Good and challenging and growing. Yeah. Wow. How old were you when you moved to Canada?
Vanessa:
Uh, 26, 27.
Shannon Steeves:
Yeah. So very much an adult, like have lived life and coming to this place that's, that's totally new. So did you know anybody when you moved here to Canada?
Vanessa:
No, but, uh, praise God, when we arrived, there was a lot of people that welcomed us.
Shannon Steeves:
Yeah. So what was that like? I guess when you came in, you talked about just you're not feeling safe, it's this brand new environment. I guess, how did you cope with that? How did you learn what you needed, that sort of thing?
Vanessa:
Yeah, so I spent way more time with the Lord. That was my main point, my refuge. I feel lost, I need to go to you. But you would think that spending more time with the Lord would give you more clarity, But the more time I spent with the Lord, the more chaos there was. Yeah. We moved to Ontario and then moved to Montreal.
Johan Heinrichs:
Wow.
Vanessa:
Which it was a big challenge that we didn't expect it to be. Like, you would say it's not a big of a deal. It's same country, kind of the same culture, you would say. But I think for my brain, it was like, enough is enough.
Shannon Steeves:
Yeah. Yeah.
Vanessa:
Like, we're trying to build something new here, and all of a sudden girl, you decided to start over again, right? Yeah.
Shannon Steeves:
Well, I know you've written a book, and I guess what stirred in you that, that led to writing this book, The Expansion of the Fireflies?
Vanessa:
Well, it's funny because I was writing a book without even knowing I was writing a book. When I moved to Montreal, I got baptized And something that seemed very small, or at least for me at that moment it didn't seem that big of a deal, uh, it became this whole thing. I used to write every now and then, but after I got baptized, it was like notebooks and notebooks in just a few months. Wow. And last year I faced some health issues. So I ended up spending a few months alone. Wow. Like most of the day alone, writing, reading, praying, like feeling the world was falling apart.
Shannon Steeves:
Yeah.
Vanessa:
But just being there with the Lord, it was like pouring out, and the only available umbrella was spending time alone with the Lord. So I would write and write for hours, like 5, 6 hours writing and writing. Without even thinking about publishing any of that. I was just surviving. Yeah. Just trying to stay alive. Yeah. And I was just writing.
Vanessa:
And it's beautiful because during that time, I remember listening to a song. It's called "Flowers." And one of those moments, on my knees, crying, praying, "Lord." And that's what the song says, "Lord, why are you keeping me here?" And he said to me, darling, I'm planting seeds, and one day you'll see the flowers grow in the valley. Wow. And for me, that's what the expansion of the fireflies is. I would say that again. And for me, that's what the expansion of the fireflies is. How God can turn the brokenness, tears into something, beauty into poetry. Yeah.
Vanessa:
In something that you would never imagine, something better. That your plans.
Shannon Steeves:
Wow. And so is the book basically describing your journey and your story, or what is kind of the heart of what you talk about in this book?
Vanessa:
The heart of the book is how rest is holiness and how as migrants we struggle so much with rest, and that comes from trauma. I don't know about you, but in our culture, For you to use the word trauma, like, you need to have a very good case to dare to use that word. Like, there's so much stuff going on, like murders and things really heavy, that for you to, to say that you need to heal from something, from any trauma, like, girl, you better have a good reason to be complaining about life. Like, it's almost like grateful to be grateful is forced. Wow. Um, which being grateful is a good thing. It's, it's good to be grateful every day about small and big things. But when you're not allowed to grieve, to complain— something can be good and hard at the same time, and both can exist, right? Yeah.
Vanessa:
So the book goes through it because that was my journey, like why this is so hard and why It is so hard for me to rest. Why do I feel so guilty about rest? And how resting is not for lazy people or because you're too tired. Rest is about holiness. And I go through, I would say, the whole Bible. I go through chapters of chapters of the Bible throughout the book, like how is God showing that rest is about Him. It's about being shaped, about being— about creating something new from your needs, from your tears. That's what happens in the Psalms. It's not people thinking theologically and writing something very smart.
Vanessa:
It's people on their knees going through very real things, and by pouring out themselves into the Lord, that's when those Psalms are written.
Shannon Steeves:
Yeah, that's beautiful. And why did you pick fireflies? Like, what does that image mean to you?
Vanessa:
Again, it wasn't planned. Anything related to this book wasn't planned, which is very funny of me because I'm a person who— a very Type A person. Like, I like to plan, to have everything ahead. So just to go through this process where nothing was planned by me and I can take any credit of it. It's not like I was thinking about something very aesthetically, I don't know, like something beautiful for the book. One day I had a very image in my mind, like a very specific image of a dark forest full of fireflies. And I started to write like an exercise, something to reflect about collective trauma in Latin America, how normalized it is, and how when you start healing, it's like becoming a firefly. Wow.
Vanessa:
And slowly you start to see more fireflies and more and more. So that's how that forest gets full of fireflies. So I wrote that exercise without thinking about it. It just Left it there. Later on, a friend of mine from our Spanish city group in our local church, she sent me a picture of that same image. She didn't know, she had no idea about this or the book or anything, and she sent me that picture and told me, hey, Vani, Vanessa, we were gathering with the city group with our Spanish group, and suddenly all the space was full of fireflies and we found it beautiful and we really wanted you to see it. And I was like, that's exactly what the book is about. That's so cool.
Vanessa:
How migrants here means frustration, like, and that was it. Like, I was sure that was the name of the book. And the more I researched about fireflies, it was more clear to me because they're small, But if you see fireflies, it means that environment is getting restored. It's a sign of restoration, of healing. Like something major is going on here, even though this is a very small creature, which you can feel like as an immigrant. Yeah. You're a minority. You're not seen.
Vanessa:
You're not in your familiar environment. But the fact that you're here is not an accident. There's something going on here. Beyond what you can see.
Shannon Steeves:
Wow, thank you for sharing that. That's such a whole— like, I can visualize that, that picture, and I can't fully understand that as, as coming from a very different culture and then moving here, but just to imagine that experience and that picture of like restoration is possible, and when we're— when we begin to heal, like, it's this whole transformation that happens. That's beautiful. I'm guessing this is probably most of the book feels this way, but is there any specific moment in the book that feels especially personal or anything that you're like, oh, I loved that I got to share this, this aspect of myself?
Vanessa:
Yeah, like the whole book is very personal. Yeah. Not because the whole book is about my personal life. I go through the scripture, in relation with my life, because that is where the book came from, like going through the Bible and reflecting that on my life. But there's a portion of it that would probably be more personal. I was reflecting on in those times when Jesus died on the cross, like when you feel, okay, the darkness won, this is the end. Like in those times, God is not improvising. That is part of His plan, and He's doing something major, and He's building healing promises that are going way above what we would see as a victory.
Vanessa:
And I was remembering something that happened many years ago that came randomly during a worship time in our church. I remember an aunt She was like my big sister. She wasn't like much older than me.
Johan Heinrichs:
Yeah.
Vanessa:
So we were raised together, and she died at a very young age from a very aggressive cancer, and it was quick. So you— we didn't have like even time to process what was going on, and I was very young at the time, and I wasn't Christian, but in that moment, I remember seeing her healthy, happy, kind of a vision of her. I don't know how to explain it, but like, in the midst of worship, I was not thinking about her, like very random if you ask me, but I could see her happy, healthy, and it was like a message. I don't know, like something from God saying, well, what was meant from the enemy to bring death and grief to her, I used that bed for her to know me. Yeah. She became a believer in that bed. So what the enemy wanted to use for death, I used it to give her eternal life, and she is okay. And that was like, wow, I never thought about it, but this is— and maybe it's obvious for some people, but that moment for me was very special..
Vanessa:
And I shared that in the book because there are moments, especially with collective trauma, when you would say, well, where was God during those situations, right? Yeah.
Shannon Steeves:
Wow. Thank you for sharing that. That's so personal. But now it's making me think about people that I've known who have walked through especially an illness that doesn't feel fair or doesn't feel like, God, why would you allow this to happen? And yet to frame it as like, this is actually what he used to draw her near.
Vanessa:
Wow. Yeah. And something that I struggled or I'm working on is praying about healing over other people. And that moment, it wasn't only about my family or my own story. It was about never be afraid of praying over healing. Because if you're my child, the answer, it's always gonna be yes. It's not the question about yes or no, it's when. So don't be afraid.
Vanessa:
What if I pray for this person in our church and they die? Yeah, like, it can be a struggle for some people like me. And he was like, yeah, working that on me, like, never be afraid of praying over healing. You are here because I'm using my body to bring healing to earth. So that's your mission here. So don't, don't step away. Don't step back. Go ahead. Don't be afraid.
Shannon Steeves:
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing about your book and why you wrote it and just your heart coming from this season of— it sounds like pain and challenge, but something that I think really will speak to people and will encourage and give that picture of what healing can look like. I'd love to kind of transition now to some of the community building that you're doing. I know you are working on workshops and different things to just help create space for other Latino migrants in, in Montreal. Can you share a little bit about how that came about and why you're doing that?
Vanessa:
Well, uh, part of that story of the expansion of the Fireflies a friend of mine from our church, she was also writing a book at the same time without us planning about it. Wow. And when we realized about and start sharing each other, it was like our books are compliments. Kind of like if we sat down and say, okay, let's make a book about personal healing and then a book about community healing, because we need both, right? Like personal healing and take that to community and how those are happening at the same time. It's not like you do one first and then the other one. It's everything happening all at the same time. So we sat down and really talked about our burden for the Latino migrants community here in Montreal. And when we sat together, we had that same heart of, we want a safe place because we can see here many immigrants facing major challenges.
Vanessa:
They long for a relationship with God. They long for community. They long for belonging, but their brain is in— it's on survival mode. So they're not the person who are just gonna show up to church every Sunday. Like, they can be going through any kind of crisis. Like, you need to go tomorrow if your paperwork doesn't come over to your house. So people is facing all kind of things that they will just don't show up every week to church. They— you need to come near to them and walk along and help them to have that space of silent rest to feel respect here, to even see it and think through and give names to what they're going through.
Vanessa:
Like, I don't know what's going on. I need to see it. And maybe if I hear someone's story, I would say, yes, that's exactly what I'm going through. Or maybe not. Maybe it has something similar to what I'm going through. But you can at least start thinking about it. And we wanted to build that physical space as much as possible for people to be together, to have a consistent place to go, to have fun, but also to learn, but also to have silence and to take a break even from the language, you know, like I don't need to be thinking in another language, another social cues, we can make a joke, right, that people would understand just to take a break. And feel home.
Shannon Steeves:
Mm-hmm. Yeah, to feel at home. That's huge. That's huge. So do you bring that space together weekly or monthly or like what does that look like?
Vanessa:
Our dream would be to make it a weekly thing. Right now it's in a very early stage. Okay. We are just going one step at a time right now. We did a first workshop last year. We're going to have one in a couple of days and then we're going to start trying to do that one biweekly. So we're in that, in the midst of that journey ourselves. Like our own project is in that growing journey that we're trying to walk along with other people here in Montreal.
Vanessa:
Yeah.
Shannon Steeves:
Yeah. And I know you're in the early stages, but I guess one thing I'm wondering is just in your own experiences or, or in those gatherings that have already happened, what have you noticed that are like the biggest needs for people? Like, what kind of needs are you seeing?
Vanessa:
Yeah, I think there's a need for silence. I don't know if that makes sense, uh, but just because there's a lot of people that are working, studying French, but then having a second job. During the weekends, but then with kids, house, so they just don't have a time to just stop and have some silence. Silence to even think about something that it's not like, I need to do this and then that, this and that, and just going from A to B, like having that space in between. I think that's the major need right now and just to hear some other stories that they can relate to, feel seen. Yeah. Like there's something, someone here who knows my name, knows my story. I can be here being extremely open, cry, and knowing that people won't see me like, oh, this poor girl.
Vanessa:
It's like everyone here is on the same boat going through major situations. And it's like, okay, we're, We're all in this together. And that's beautiful. We, we had a, an encounter last year and it was very emotional. Like people were crying and being grateful of having a space like that. Wow. Kind of like, why did it take you so long to start doing this? Uh, but yeah, it's all part of a process that we're all learning together. Yeah.
Shannon Steeves:
That I think really speaks to the resilience of people. And I guess that's something I'd love to hear more about. What have you learned about resilience in migrant communities and especially the Latino community?
Vanessa:
Yeah, there's so much resilience in Latino communities in general, not only migrants. It's, there are so many countries that have gone through some major situations that you just need to find ways to cope and keep going. However, there's a lot of guilt in that. So I feel guilt has been like inserted to our culture. So even when we're trying to be resilient, there's a lot of guilt that enters and distorts what we're trying to build. So I feel it's important in our process of resilience to work together again in community so we can point it out. Hey, is this real? Is this what God is saying? Or this is false guilt trying to distort you from doing what, what you need to do. Yeah.
Vanessa:
Right now.
Shannon Steeves:
And when you say guilt, what do you mean by that? Like, what does that look like?
Vanessa:
Yeah, so I think in general rest, it's not very popular in our society. Sure. Especially in our culture, for you to rest is like betrayal because it's not only you in survival mode, like there's a whole community that depends on you. So for you to rest, it means you're sacrificing the security of other people.
Shannon Steeves:
Sure. That's heavy.
Vanessa:
It is.
Shannon Steeves:
It is scary. I can only imagine how then important it is for, like you said, space for silence, to just be. And that, no, you don't have to— people don't have to perform or, you know, kind of translate into the culture, or just to be and to feel like they can exist and, and like let the guard down a little bit, or like just like take a breath.
Vanessa:
Yeah, like even not long ago, the small town where I grew up, they went through major floods. So literally houses covered in water. So people need to use whatever they can to take out water. They're not even eating because they are just trying to survive, to take their belongings. So in a context like that for you to say, I just need time alone and being silent. No, you need to be there with everyone else. Yeah. Helping to keep people alive.
Vanessa:
So it's that mindset that enters your brain, and that's how you relate rest with being lazy, with being selfish, like all these things that you don't even realize. But Those experiences are what build your sense of identity and your sense of teamwork, but in not in the best way possible sometimes. But I was saying like the guilt, like you can't stop, you need to help because there's people dying.
Shannon Steeves:
Mm-hmm.
Vanessa:
Yeah.
Shannon Steeves:
Something I'm wondering, Vanessa, is through all of these experiences immigrating to Canada and seeing the need for, for safe, healthy community, how has your understanding of God changed or just developed, I guess, over that time?
Vanessa:
I would say it has deepened, like changing my perspective from, of rest from a Bible perspective, like going through deep waters in the scripture and just finding over and over again rest as holiness, that for me was a major shift in my relationship with God and in my point of view of him. Like, if he is so into rest and he is good, he's holy, why am I struggling so much? To see rest as something good and necessary for healing.
Shannon Steeves:
Yeah, so much that you've experienced and just are like, have processed. I, I really want to read your book because I just, even in how you're describing like the inward journey that's happening while you're experiencing something like outwardly or, you know, in life, it's so moving.
Vanessa:
Yeah, I would say you don't need to be Latin American to enjoy the book. Yeah, it's a journey through the, the gospel, so beginning to end throughout the gospel, and just seeing God in a different way that maybe you haven't seen him. So even if you're not a migrant, I say, I would say you will like the book and you will, you would find something to be inspired of. And if you know someone in your community that speaks Spanish, I think it will help you to relate even more and just to, I don't know, open space for them to share about their culture.
Shannon Steeves:
Yeah.
Vanessa:
Just speak Spanish with them if you can. Just like saying hola, hi. That would mean like, oh, wow, they're trying to be closer to me.
Shannon Steeves:
Those are some great practical tips. Are there any other, I guess, practical things you would share with those who, like you said, aren't Latino to help them maybe understand what it's like to kind of step into the shoes of somebody else?
Vanessa:
If you're not Latino and you know people, I think what we can do as a church is just see like every culture is a part of the puzzle of God. Yeah, I explored this a little bit in the book. Like, there's a reason why God made us different. Yeah, so we need to talk to each other so we can learn other faces or other aspects of God. For example, we Latinos are very into celebration. We love to celebrate. We're loud. Like, we love food in our Spanish group, our church, our local church.
Vanessa:
They tend to be very surprised that we always have food, and not food like snacks, no, like, I mean a full meal. I love it. Like it's Thanksgiving, like every week is Thanksgiving. So it's like we're very into celebration. And in the Bible, there's a lot of celebration. Yeah. And there's a lot of holiness through celebrations. Right.
Vanessa:
Through sitting on the table and sharing. Meals. That is, I think so, uh, a rebelling part of God, that section of our culture. At the same time, here in Canada, I can see there's a lot of respect for autonomy, to let everyone be themselves, that maybe in our cultures is not as big or relevant. And that is so important as a church as well, like Yes, we're the same body, but in our same body we have different people and we need to respect them and understand that they have autonomy to do some things different, right?
Shannon Steeves:
That's so good, Vanessa. Thank you so much for all that you've shared today. I know anyone who listens is just going to be stirred, I think, in their heart to think about what they've experienced or what others maybe close to them have and really, my prayer is that people will challenge themselves to, to connect and to see the other, to see the person who maybe they don't normally see, and to understand how they can create a space that feels like home for others in their life too.
Vanessa:
Thank you. Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
Johan Heinrichs:
The stories we share here remind us that care doesn't have to be perfect to be powerful. It just has to be present. Neighborly is an initiative of Care Impact, a Canadian charity equipping churches, agencies, and communities with tech and training to care better together. Visit careimpact.ca. Or to find out more about the podcast, sponsorships, being a guest, or just dropping us a line, visit neighborlypodcast.ca. We'd love to hear from you. Check the show notes for the link. Or hop on our Care Impact Podcast group on Facebook to join our podcast community.
Johan Heinrichs:
I'm Johan. Thanks for listening and keep being the kind of neighbor someone will never forget in a good way. Is turning over tables, breaking off chains.
Vanessa:
When I see you in a stranger, I'm no longer a slave. Turning over tables, tearing down walls, building under bridges between us all.
